8 Tips Your “Friends” Will Never Tell You - How to not be a people pleaser

When will your “No” be the proof of your egoism and when the sign of your strong personality? Check here.

People have a desire to please others when they are afraid to upset them, they sacrifice their own interests to make another person happy, but never receive any gratitude.

Such people are called people pleasers.

These several markers will help you define whether you belong to such people:

  • you are aggressive or too passive without any reason 


  • you are rarely satisfied

  • you suppress others or feel suppressed

  • you are in a constant hurry without any reason 


A person who wants to enjoy life and respect yourself should use these 8 tips “How to stop being a people pleaser”.


1. Remember the latest 5 cases when you had to do something just to get people’s approval. Write them down and think, how you would behave concerning your own interests. Consider the consequences from both variants and write the worst ones.

2. Analyze them and answer whether the result of expressing your position would have been so awful. Decide whether it is so terrible to break off the contacts with people who ignore your interests.

Think is it worth to have any relations with people who place at the forefront their own needs, completely forgetting about yours?

3. Compare and analyze the borders you set for people and the ones others set for you. Think what behavior is acceptable for you.

Do not be forbearing to those who are intolerant towards you and treat it as a norm.

4. You need to define the source of such behavior.

Many people do not know how to stop people pleasing because they grew in the atmosphere where their opinion was not taken into account.

Were you expected to guess others’ needs and adjust yourself to it? Do you think the only way to be treated well is to fulfill other people’s desires?

You can be easily manipulated having such logic. Here is important to understand the roots of this problem and start correcting your behavior according to your own needs and interests.


5. You should learn how to say “no”. Do not make excuses for your refusal. Say your position clearly and firmly. Try to say “no” and observe the reaction. In most cases you would notice that nothing serious and horrible would happen.


6. Stop being a people pleaser and say what you want.


A simple example: you are going to watch a film with your friends. They would like to watch a horror movie, but it is not to your liking. Do not be afraid to say it out loud to them. You will not become an egoist saying that.


The way you say it is also important here. Do not shout or get angry, maybe your friends did not know that you prefer something else. Maybe, you never said directly what you want. People can not read your thoughts.


7. Do something you always wanted, but were afraid, because did not know what other people think of you. Visit new places, change your style or hairdo. Follow your own desires. Do not be lead by people’s expectations of you.


Of course, it does not mean you should ignore the people you study, work, communicate with. But do not regard their opinion as the main factor of your behavior.


8. Find the happy medium between being a people pleaser and a churl.


You can ask for somebody’s advice or opinion and take it into consideration, but everything that you do is your own choice.


There also may be such situations when the needs of other people will be of more importance, for example, your friend got into a serious trouble and asks you for help, though you can miss a party, do not be an egoist. Your “no” can hurt somebody’s feelings. Try to reach a compromise.


If your “friend” stops communicating with you after you did not please him or her, be sure, it was not your real friend. You will have a chance to find a new one.


Warning for a person who wants to stop being a people pleaser

For many people it will not be so easy to accept these changes fast. So try to be softer, but do not apologize for new habits.

Some people who will remain people pleasers might treat your negatively, but this negative will be addressed rather to themselves than to you.

You may face some problems at work, your boss or co-wrokers got used that you are a yes-man.

Remember, that being a people pleaser you were likely to be manipulated by others.

It is important to be able to protect yourself and defend your own interests.